Tough Questions

Driving home with Makenna yesterday when she asked, “Do mommies always love their daughters?”  Surprised that she asked this I reassured her quickly that all mommies love their daughters no matter what.  “Even when they’re bad?” she asked.  “Well yes of course Makenna.  Even when they’re bad.   They always love their children.”  I replied.  “Well do all daddies love their daughters too?  Does my daddy love me?” she asked.  I could tell where this conversation was headed at this point and for a second I hesitated.  “Yes, Makenna.  All daddies love their daughters and yes your daddy loves you very much.”  “Well then why doesn’t he see me?” she asked.  I looked back in the rear view mirror and could see the concern in her face as she waited for my reply.  I knew these questions were going to start coming soon but I wasn’t exactly prepared on how to answer them.  She’s been asking for him a lot lately and anytime other kids are around and talk about their fathers or she sees a father & daughter interacting her entire demeanor changes.  It kills me to watch it happen before my eyes.  She gets so sad.  Literally breaks my heart that she’s even in a position that she has to question any of this.  I tried to hold it together and went on and on about how all fathers love their kids but that sometimes parents get distracted by other things going on in their life and forget what’s important.  That her daddy loves her but right now he has other things going on and I honestly do not know when or if she will see him again.  There are only so many times I can lie and say he’s “working”.  I told her that regardless of whether she gets to see him to just know that he does love her very much and she is a special girl to all of us.  She then said, “You don’t see your daddy either.  So I’ll be like you and not see my daddy right?”  Could this get any harder?  Ugh.  “Yes, baby I don’t see my daddy and yes it will be just like that but I know my daddy loves me too just like yours does.  Sometimes they just forget how to be a daddy.  Dads aren’t as smart as mommies.”  I gave her a quick wink that made her laugh.   “Well can we call my daddy?”  I paused wondering if I should call & reach out again but decided against it.  “No Makenna, he won’t answer the phone so we do not need to call him anymore.  Let’s talk about something else”  I know that may seem harsh but I have practically begged this man to be part of her life over and over again and at this point I don’t think he deserves any more chances.  I have stressed to him how much she misses him and how badly she wants him in her life and yet he still refuses to be involved.  I look at her & wonder how anyone can just walk away.  She’s intelligent, strong, ambitious, loving (well when she wants to be), and absolutely beautiful.   From those crazy blonde curls to that infectious laugh, I just can’t get enough of her.  How can you not want to be part of her life?  She brings so much joy to everyone she comes in contact with. 

The conversation ended quickly after that and while I know it saddened her I hope my honesty helped make things easier for her in the future.  I don’t want to continue giving her false hope.  She already told me the week before that she wanted to be like his step daughter from his new marriage.  When I asked her why she responded with, “Because if I was more like her then my daddy would want to see me.”  It took everything in me not to burst into tears at that point.  Unfortunately the hurt I felt for her that night has now turned into anger.  I literally hate him for putting her through all this.  I try to teach Makenna that hate is not something we should ever hold in her heart but right about now I feel like I’m consumed with it.  I pray things get easier and eventually I learn to let this go but for now  if I never saw that man again I’d be a happy woman.  I know I’ll have many more tough questions from her but last night felt like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to answer.  I’ve read all the articles, asked friends for advice, even talked to a therapist and yet nothing can truly prepare you for questions like I received yesterday. All I can do is just keep showing her how special she is to each and everyone in my family & most importantly how special she is to me.  

Kindergarten

Miss Makenna started off her first day of Kindergarten by waking up with her eye swollen shut.  Poor kid.  Not exactly how we planned on things going.  Regardless she kept a positive attitude and while she wasn’t excited about taking pictures she posed nonstop for me so I could get those important First Day Of School pics.  So it seems only right that if I put her through the following torture that I make sure to share via every social media outlet I’m on.  =) 

Now for the details of her day…

She absolutely loved getting ready for her first day.  I was worried she would cry when we dropped her off but it was like as soon as she walked into the room she was a completely different child.  Suddenly she was a “big kid” and had no need for all the extra hugs & kisses I was trying to give her.  I eventually stopped once I realized she looked slightly embarrassed, asked if she was okay and then walked out when she replied with, “I’m fine mom, geez.”  =)  My sweet little girl didn’t need me as much as I thought she would and with that came a mix of emotions.  Part of me was sad that we were crossing another milestone off the list and that she no longer needed me to hold her hand.  The other part of me was proud of her and not to sound cocky but I was proud of myself as well.  It’s been a rough road these past 5 years but we’ve overcome so much together.  I have found strength I never knew existed.  I know I don’t always do things right and I’ve made  mistakes but I’m learning & growing along the way.  I become a better parent every single day.  Now I just need to make it through the next few hours until its time to pick her up.  Let the countdown begin.

*UPDATE*

We decided to go to dinner with the Huls family afterschool so we could hear all about her day.  She told us story after story about the friends she made, what she did, eating in the cafeteria etc.  It was great to see her so happy about school.  I have a feeling she is going to have a great year.  After dinner we went to the afterhours clinic to check on her eye since by this time it was much more swollen.   Turns out they think it’s either a bad reaction to a mosquito bite or a spider bite.  Great!  So its Benadryl and a warm compress to help the swelling go down.  We survived our first day of Kindergarten.  Whew!

The Night Before Kindergarten

While I know that we will make a million more memories along the way I can't help but look back at how quickly these past five years have gone by. Kindergarten? Seriously? I'm not ready for this. Sure hope she never grows too old for cuddles at bedtime & Eskimo kisses.

Makenna's Frozen Birthday Party

Makenna’s 5^th birthday party was a hit!  This year we decided to just invite her girl friends and have a princess party.  We even had Queen Elsa attend from Happily Ever Parties .  I did lots of research before deciding on which company to go with and boy am I glad I did.  Anna who played Queen Elsa was absolutely wonderful.  The girls were so excited when she came to the door.  She stayed in character the entire time and kept the girls thoroughly entertained.  She read them a story, sang with them, painted their faces and then helped with singing Happy Birthday.  I would definitely recommend her to anyone planning a Frozen party for their little one.  Here are a few pics from the party.  I thought about giving a break down of where I found all of the items below but instead if you are interested in any of the items below just leave me a comment and I will let you know where I found them.  Most of what I found was absolutely free online.  I can list the links for you as well.  I wonder what theme she’ll want next year.  Thank goodness for Pinterest.