We lost an amazing man today and an incredible grandfather. I headed into Austin this morning to see Scott only to arrive 2 minutes too late. As we walked up to the room we saw the nurse come out and put up a colored sheet of paper on the door to let everyone know he had just passed away. I felt a piece of my heart break right then. Part of me wanted to turn around right then because I knew what was waiting behind that door. Still I had to go inside and what I found was a room full of his family sobbing and holding on to him. I tried to be there for Emily & Ray (his kids) but I knew there was nothing I could say or do that would make this better. The next few hours are still a blur. Eventually we got all of his things out of the room and I loaded up the car to head home. Emily, Scotty, & Ray road together. My mom road with my cousin Mandie.. then there was me. Alone. Suddenly I regretted driving by myself. I burst into tears as soon as I started the car. This was the first time I didn’t have to be brave or hold back the tears and knowing that, I let EVERYTHING out. Pretty sure I should not have been driving but at this point I didn’t have a choice. A flood of emotions hit me. Miss Positivity was no where to be found. Normally I’m the one trying to see the bright side but today there was nothing but anger pouring out of me. No matter how many times I was told to turn to my faith it was completely absent today. I was bitter, then angry, then just numb. Why did this have to happen to him? And why so fast? And why was I alone? Everyone had someone to help this get through this and I had no one. The one person I wanted was a million miles away so I had no choice but to deal with things on my own. I think that played a part in me being bitter. It was the longest 30 min drive of my life home. I walked in the door still to find an empty house and began cleaning up. As I stood in the kitchen washing dishes I heard the door and in walked my little sister. The same sister I didn’t think would even come by since she’d been avoiding the entire situation. She hugged me and for the first time I exhaled. Finally I could breathe. Finally I found my strength. As the day went on more family showed up and some of my closest friends. I looked around the room at one point and realized just how many people I had in my life who were there when I needed them most. The anger faded and my heart was filled with so much love it was almost overwhelming. In a way it was bittersweet how everyone came together for this. I will never know why God chose for things to unfold this way. The irony of this happening today will never make sense. How do you lose two step dads, 7 years apart to the same cancer (Melanoma)? And then they had to end up both dying at Christopher House (hospice) just a few rooms down from one another? Reciting this now gives me chills. September 7th will never be an easy day but I will always be grateful for the time I had with both the angels we lost on this day.
Rest In Peace:
Nicholas Giordano - September 7, 2007
Raymond Scott Smith - September 7, 2014
Tonight has been the hardest night for me so far. Scott is now in hospice at the Christopher House here in Austin. I wasn’t planning on coming by today but I was told that they do not think he will make it through the night. I stayed with him most of the afternoon and evening but eventually I had to head home. No part of me was ready to leave or to say goodbye. This whole thing has happened way too fast. His sister asked him if he was ready to see his dad (who has passed) and for the first time he said yes which told me he was finally ready. Not that I want him to let go but it gave me peace knowing he’s now ready. I know a huge concern for all of us has been him expressing on multiple occasions that he wasn’t ready and still wanted to keeep fighting so to hear him say that was comforting. About an hour before we left we got a hold of Makenna and she was able to Facetime with him. He lit up as soon as he saw her face and as much as I wanted to stay and witness what might be her last conversation with her Papa I had to leave the room. I don’t think anyone has seen me really cry that hard over this until tonight. I completely broke down. She absolutely adores her grandfather and I don’t know what she will do when he’s gone. She idolizes him. He has been the only steady man in her life . He means the world to her and because of that he means the world to me. Not sure how I can get through this again but I know I need to stay tough for her and for my mom. Ugh. Praying for another day with him. Goodnight.
