Daddy Issues

When I read this on Instagram today I couldn’t help but save it.  I feel like there should be a disclaimer when it comes to women like me and this might be it.  We’ve all heard the term “daddy issues” and while I usually reference it when joking with friends about my bad behavior it honestly has much more of an impact on my life than I’d like to admit.  When I sit back and look at my choices and the different men that have been in and out it of my life it seems only natural that I’m at a point in my life where I just want to give  up on dating all together.  I have the worst habit of sabotaging relationships before they even really begin because I’m afraid of what I think is the inevitable.  That they will leave.  I wish this wasn’t my mentality but when you’ve witnessed all that I have its hard to not be jaded to the idea that one day a man will actually stay. 

Let me sum up my history for you….my biological father has been in and out of my life since day one.  Never really sticking around for more than a few months.  He has lied to me, stolen from me, and let me down more times than I can count.  Almost to the point where I have felt like he enjoys getting my hopes up that he's going to be in my life and then disappearing for sometimes up to a year. 

Then enters step dad #1 when I was four.  He raised me until I was 12 and my mother and he divorced.  We were super close.   He made me feel like I was just as much his daughter as his own biological children.  So much so that when they initially divorced I chose to live with him over my own mother.   Looking back I realize how desperate I was to have a father because he was incredibly abusive.  That’s actually part of the reason my mom left him was bc she got tired of trying to hide my bruises.  So the fact that I still longed for him to be in my life lets you know how badly I just wanted a dad.   It didn’t last long though because I missed my mom too much but I never would have thought me moving back with her would end our relationship.  It did.  I never heard from him again until I was in my 20’s and it was always awkward because I could tell he was forcing it.  

Next up is my 2^nd step father Bruce.  He was married to my mom from when I was 12 to 18.  They divorced my senior year.  That was a nightmare.  We never really got along but because I wanted so badly to have some type of male figure in my life I tried to have a bond with him.  Even after we moved out I still reached out to him numerous times but never got a response.  As you can tell by now I don’t have the best of luck with step dads.  

Step dad 3 & 4 (Nick & Scott) would have possibly been successful but they both died.   On the same day.  From the same kind of cancer.  Seven years apart. WTF?  I know, you probably don’t believe me.  To make it even creepier, they both died in Hospice Austin, just a few doors down from each other.  We lost Nick in 2007 & Scott last year.  I stayed by their sides watching them try to fight this horrible disease, both times knowing the outcome before I think they did.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster.  Add the fact that step dad #1 decided last year to share with my sister that he has never viewed me as a daughter because I’m not related to him by blood and just told me all the sweet things he did because he felt sorry for me.  Yeah…that pretty much did it for me.  Five unsuccessful attempts at having a father.  That’s before even mentioning the relationship I had with my daughter’s father who was both verbally & physically abusive and has now chosen to not be in her life.  Not trying to have a pity party but damn.  When you factor all that in it only makes sense as to why I’m emotionally messed up.  So when I joke about my “daddy issues” know that it runs much deeper than most.  I may seem cold to some of the men I date and confusing  as hell but its only because I’m beyond scared to have this pattern continue for my daughter.