Friday, September 25, 2015

Tough Questions

Driving home with Makenna yesterday when she asked, “Do mommies always love their daughters?”  Surprised that she asked this I reassured her quickly that all mommies love their daughters no matter what.  “Even when they’re bad?” she asked.  “Well yes of course Makenna.  Even when they’re bad.   They always love their children.”  I replied.  “Well do all daddies love their daughters too?  Does my daddy love me?” she asked.  I could tell where this conversation was headed at this point and for a second I hesitated.  “Yes, Makenna.  All daddies love their daughters and yes your daddy loves you very much.”  “Well then why doesn’t he see me?” she asked.  I looked back in the rear view mirror and could see the concern in her face as she waited for my reply.  I knew these questions were going to start coming soon but I wasn’t exactly prepared on how to answer them.  She’s been asking for him a lot lately and anytime other kids are around and talk about their fathers or she sees a father & daughter interacting her entire demeanor changes.  It kills me to watch it happen before my eyes.  She gets so sad.  Literally breaks my heart that she’s even in a position that she has to question any of this.  I tried to hold it together and went on and on about how all fathers love their kids but that sometimes parents get distracted by other things going on in their life and forget what’s important.  That her daddy loves her but right now he has other things going on and I honestly do not know when or if she will see him again.  There are only so many times I can lie and say he’s “working”.  I told her that regardless of whether she gets to see him to just know that he does love her very much and she is a special girl to all of us.  She then said, “You don’t see your daddy either.  So I’ll be like you and not see my daddy right?”  Could this get any harder?  Ugh.  “Yes, baby I don’t see my daddy and yes it will be just like that but I know my daddy loves me too just like yours does.  Sometimes they just forget how to be a daddy.  Dads aren’t as smart as mommies.”  I gave her a quick wink that made her laugh.   “Well can we call my daddy?”  I paused wondering if I should call & reach out again but decided against it.  “No Makenna, he won’t answer the phone so we do not need to call him anymore.  Let’s talk about something else”  I know that may seem harsh but I have practically begged this man to be part of her life over and over again and at this point I don’t think he deserves any more chances.  I have stressed to him how much she misses him and how badly she wants him in her life and yet he still refuses to be involved.  I look at her & wonder how anyone can just walk away.  She’s intelligent, strong, ambitious, loving (well when she wants to be), and absolutely beautiful.   From those crazy blonde curls to that infectious laugh, I just can’t get enough of her.  How can you not want to be part of her life?  She brings so much joy to everyone she comes in contact with. 

The conversation ended quickly after that and while I know it saddened her I hope my honesty helped make things easier for her in the future.  I don’t want to continue giving her false hope.  She already told me the week before that she wanted to be like his step daughter from his new marriage.  When I asked her why she responded with, “Because if I was more like her then my daddy would want to see me.”  It took everything in me not to burst into tears at that point.  Unfortunately the hurt I felt for her that night has now turned into anger.  I literally hate him for putting her through all this.  I try to teach Makenna that hate is not something we should ever hold in her heart but right about now I feel like I’m consumed with it.  I pray things get easier and eventually I learn to let this go but for now  if I never saw that man again I’d be a happy woman.  I know I’ll have many more tough questions from her but last night felt like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to answer.  I’ve read all the articles, asked friends for advice, even talked to a therapist and yet nothing can truly prepare you for questions like I received yesterday. All I can do is just keep showing her how special she is to each and everyone in my family & most importantly how special she is to me.  

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