I received a message today from someone who read an old post
titled Acceptance on a previous blog that I created a few years ago. She thanked me for sharing my story and said
that reading my post and a few others I wrote about my previous relationship
really helped her come to terms with what she was currently going through. Her letter was so kind and made me realize
while I’ve recently strayed from writing anything too deep it might be time to get
back into that. I used to receive
messages all the time from people who enjoyed the things I shared because they
too had gone through similar experiences.
I think it’s nice to find someone who can relate to you. Especially on such emotional topics. I’m waiting on her to respond back to my last
message asking for permission to share her letter on here but in the mean time
I wanted to repost the original she’s
referring to. I wrote this for my blog The Point Of It All on June 17, 2011. Seeing
that others still enjoy these old posts has made me want to share a few more
old ones on here. I will label these The Point of it All Revisited (insert
post title).
Acceptance
I received news recently that a friend of mine
had been a victim of rape almost 10 years ago. How could she never have said
anything? Why was he not reported? How did I not know? I sat in shock as she
continued to tell her story over the phone.
Sarah: It’s just one of those things. It happened. No big deal.
Myself: What do you mean just one of those things? Sarah that is not okay! Why didn’t you call the police?
Sarah: He didn’t mean to and we both were tipsy. Plus I was embarrassed and didn’t know what people would think. You know my reputation. Nobody would have believed me.
Myself: You’re so damn stupid! It was RAPE! He forced himself on you and you said no! I don’t get why women have such a hard time admitting that.
Sarah: Hold up….how are you gonna talk? Don’t you remember what happened with you and Paul? Last time I checked that was the same damn thing!
Myself: No, no, no…I wouldn’t call it rape.
Sarah: Hmph…Did you tell him to stop?
Myself: Well yes.
Sarah: Did he?
Myself: Once he was done. But he was drunk… he didn't know what he was doing… (silence)
Right there I realized just how easy it is for men to get away with things like this. I’ve always looked back at that night and had an uncomfortable feeling inside. I realize now there was a reason every time I drove passed that hotel I would look the opposite way. Did I really try to pretend it never happened? He had way too much to drink that night. I knew he didn't mean it. Besides, I agreed at first so I had to allow him to finish, right? Ugh! I could slap myself right now. I sound like one of those women. You know, the ones that make excuses for the things men do. The reality of the situation…I asked him to stop. Then I begged him to stop. I tried to push him off but given his size and the position we were in there was no way he was moving. I smelled the alcohol on his breath as he whispered in my ear to just “hold on”. That he was almost done. At that moment I felt my entire body go numb. It no longer hurt. I laid as still as possible, praying that it would be over soon. Tears rolled down my face as I tried to imagine myself in a better place. What was only a minute or two felt like an eternity. I wish I could say that once it was over I left but that was not how it went at all. He looked over at me and realized how hard I had been crying and quickly sobered up. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. That he’d zoned out and didn’t realize what he was doing. He tried to hold me but stopped when he realized that his touch had me shaking. “Baby I’m sorry…are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t say a word. I just laid there and eventually we both went to sleep.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I should share this. It’s something extremely personal and obviously I’ve kept it a secret for a very long time now. The more I thought about it and the more I thought about how long Sarah had kept this from me the angrier I got. This is not something that is okay and it shouldn’t just be forgotten. I tried to put this as far back in my head as possible but when I really think about it I’ve carried it with me the entire time. It’s affected my relationships with not just men but people in general. I’m not looking for a pity party but if this helps just one person come forward or accept that this is NOT your fault then I feel like it was worth letting this out.
Sarah: It’s just one of those things. It happened. No big deal.
Myself: What do you mean just one of those things? Sarah that is not okay! Why didn’t you call the police?
Sarah: He didn’t mean to and we both were tipsy. Plus I was embarrassed and didn’t know what people would think. You know my reputation. Nobody would have believed me.
Myself: You’re so damn stupid! It was RAPE! He forced himself on you and you said no! I don’t get why women have such a hard time admitting that.
Sarah: Hold up….how are you gonna talk? Don’t you remember what happened with you and Paul? Last time I checked that was the same damn thing!
Myself: No, no, no…I wouldn’t call it rape.
Sarah: Hmph…Did you tell him to stop?
Myself: Well yes.
Sarah: Did he?
Myself: Once he was done. But he was drunk… he didn't know what he was doing… (silence)
Right there I realized just how easy it is for men to get away with things like this. I’ve always looked back at that night and had an uncomfortable feeling inside. I realize now there was a reason every time I drove passed that hotel I would look the opposite way. Did I really try to pretend it never happened? He had way too much to drink that night. I knew he didn't mean it. Besides, I agreed at first so I had to allow him to finish, right? Ugh! I could slap myself right now. I sound like one of those women. You know, the ones that make excuses for the things men do. The reality of the situation…I asked him to stop. Then I begged him to stop. I tried to push him off but given his size and the position we were in there was no way he was moving. I smelled the alcohol on his breath as he whispered in my ear to just “hold on”. That he was almost done. At that moment I felt my entire body go numb. It no longer hurt. I laid as still as possible, praying that it would be over soon. Tears rolled down my face as I tried to imagine myself in a better place. What was only a minute or two felt like an eternity. I wish I could say that once it was over I left but that was not how it went at all. He looked over at me and realized how hard I had been crying and quickly sobered up. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. That he’d zoned out and didn’t realize what he was doing. He tried to hold me but stopped when he realized that his touch had me shaking. “Baby I’m sorry…are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t say a word. I just laid there and eventually we both went to sleep.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I should share this. It’s something extremely personal and obviously I’ve kept it a secret for a very long time now. The more I thought about it and the more I thought about how long Sarah had kept this from me the angrier I got. This is not something that is okay and it shouldn’t just be forgotten. I tried to put this as far back in my head as possible but when I really think about it I’ve carried it with me the entire time. It’s affected my relationships with not just men but people in general. I’m not looking for a pity party but if this helps just one person come forward or accept that this is NOT your fault then I feel like it was worth letting this out.
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