CB

Laughing right now as I listen to my playlist titled CB.  I start at What Kind of Man by Florence + the Machine, then switched to All of Me by John Legend.  Now I hear I’m Not the Only One by Sam Smith.  Hmm..  as I’m listening I can’t help but notice the resemblance to our “relationship”.  I put that in quotes because I’m not sure exactly what you can call what we have done for the last year.  We go from happy to mad, sad to glad, then to confused to finally being honest about our feelings and then just when everything seems to be aligning right some curve ball is thrown our way and one of us ends up angry with the other person again.  It’s been a total roller coaster.  He’s done things to hurt me and I've definitely hurt him as well.  Still we always found our way back to one another because while it hurt to deal with each other I think it hurt more not to.  I kept trying though.  Just waiting for the day we would be on the same page at the same time.   Unfortunately that day hasn't come.  It’s been a constant game of cat & mouse. Both of us taking turns doing the chasing.  Well the game is finally over.   I could go more in depth about our issues but that’s not the point of this post.   The point is that while it may not have always been roses I gained so much from knowing him.  I’m happy that I can walk away and see the positive in it all.   When we first met I thought there is no way a guy like him would ever like a woman like me.  He definitely is easy on the eyes.  I had zero confidence and immediately started trying to sabotage the entire situation.  I told him the first night we hung out that I couldn't date him and only wanted to see him every now and then (once every other month to be exact).  Did I mean this?  Absolutely not but I was so worried that he wasn't into me that I figured I’d set the boundaries before he did.   Stupid, I know.  I was just so scared of getting hurt.  He still continued to pursue me and with that came texts every morning calling me beautiful.  At first I thought it was cheesy & wondered how many other women he had said that to but after awhile I became accustomed to it.  With time I started to actually believe him.  Sure I may struggle with body issues and I’m not nearly as close to my goal weight as I’d like to be but overall I do think I’m beautiful.  Inside and out.  It took hearing it over and over again to convince myself but I finally stopped responding with “Whatever.” and started saying “Thank you”.  I've always had a hard time accepting a compliment but with him it became easy.  He told me all the time that I was a really good woman and would point out all my qualities that he liked and boy did it help boost my self esteem.  Being a single mom I feel like I’m constantly under a microscope so to hear someone telling me I’m doing a good job felt amazing.  When I would vent about things I was going through with Makenna’s father he would quickly offer to “kick his ass” and while I’d laugh it off part of me enjoyed his concern.  He wasn't serious of course but it felt kind of good to feel that protection of a man.  I’m very independent and I know I’m strong enough to handle just about anything but even someone like myself likes the safety of having a strong man by her side.  He gave me much more than I think he’ll ever realize.  It may have been a rough ride but overall I’m walking away from this happy to have experienced it.  I’m going to miss him.   I loved that man & I’m not afraid to admit it.  In the back of my head I will always wonder what might have been had we ever been able to let our guard down with one another and truly enjoy what was going on.  I know its for the best though.   Time to take what I learned and move on to the next chapter.