Tough Questions

Driving home with Makenna yesterday when she asked, “Do mommies always love their daughters?”  Surprised that she asked this I reassured her quickly that all mommies love their daughters no matter what.  “Even when they’re bad?” she asked.  “Well yes of course Makenna.  Even when they’re bad.   They always love their children.”  I replied.  “Well do all daddies love their daughters too?  Does my daddy love me?” she asked.  I could tell where this conversation was headed at this point and for a second I hesitated.  “Yes, Makenna.  All daddies love their daughters and yes your daddy loves you very much.”  “Well then why doesn’t he see me?” she asked.  I looked back in the rear view mirror and could see the concern in her face as she waited for my reply.  I knew these questions were going to start coming soon but I wasn’t exactly prepared on how to answer them.  She’s been asking for him a lot lately and anytime other kids are around and talk about their fathers or she sees a father & daughter interacting her entire demeanor changes.  It kills me to watch it happen before my eyes.  She gets so sad.  Literally breaks my heart that she’s even in a position that she has to question any of this.  I tried to hold it together and went on and on about how all fathers love their kids but that sometimes parents get distracted by other things going on in their life and forget what’s important.  That her daddy loves her but right now he has other things going on and I honestly do not know when or if she will see him again.  There are only so many times I can lie and say he’s “working”.  I told her that regardless of whether she gets to see him to just know that he does love her very much and she is a special girl to all of us.  She then said, “You don’t see your daddy either.  So I’ll be like you and not see my daddy right?”  Could this get any harder?  Ugh.  “Yes, baby I don’t see my daddy and yes it will be just like that but I know my daddy loves me too just like yours does.  Sometimes they just forget how to be a daddy.  Dads aren’t as smart as mommies.”  I gave her a quick wink that made her laugh.   “Well can we call my daddy?”  I paused wondering if I should call & reach out again but decided against it.  “No Makenna, he won’t answer the phone so we do not need to call him anymore.  Let’s talk about something else”  I know that may seem harsh but I have practically begged this man to be part of her life over and over again and at this point I don’t think he deserves any more chances.  I have stressed to him how much she misses him and how badly she wants him in her life and yet he still refuses to be involved.  I look at her & wonder how anyone can just walk away.  She’s intelligent, strong, ambitious, loving (well when she wants to be), and absolutely beautiful.   From those crazy blonde curls to that infectious laugh, I just can’t get enough of her.  How can you not want to be part of her life?  She brings so much joy to everyone she comes in contact with. 

The conversation ended quickly after that and while I know it saddened her I hope my honesty helped make things easier for her in the future.  I don’t want to continue giving her false hope.  She already told me the week before that she wanted to be like his step daughter from his new marriage.  When I asked her why she responded with, “Because if I was more like her then my daddy would want to see me.”  It took everything in me not to burst into tears at that point.  Unfortunately the hurt I felt for her that night has now turned into anger.  I literally hate him for putting her through all this.  I try to teach Makenna that hate is not something we should ever hold in her heart but right about now I feel like I’m consumed with it.  I pray things get easier and eventually I learn to let this go but for now  if I never saw that man again I’d be a happy woman.  I know I’ll have many more tough questions from her but last night felt like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to answer.  I’ve read all the articles, asked friends for advice, even talked to a therapist and yet nothing can truly prepare you for questions like I received yesterday. All I can do is just keep showing her how special she is to each and everyone in my family & most importantly how special she is to me.  

I deserve...

That moment you realize while you may love someone, you have to love yourself more.  I can’t continue to try to be with someone who doesn’t see my worth.  I deserve a  man who appreciates the time & effort I put into my love for him.  Someone who isn’t constantly questioning my loyalty or sincerity.  Someone who respects me enough to respond to a phone call or actually follow through with plans we make.  Someone who sees I’m a mother and my time is just as precious as his.    I don’t want games or false promises.  I deserve a man who knows exactly what he is looking for and isn’t afraid to give his heart to me.  Sure I may love him, flaws & all, but at the end of the day what I want most is a love that is equal.  I deserve a man who wants me in his life just as badly as I want him in mine.   Sometimes we get so caught up in our emotions that we end up completely losing ourselves along the way. 

Yes I love him, but it’s time to start loving myself more.

Kindergarten

Miss Makenna started off her first day of Kindergarten by waking up with her eye swollen shut.  Poor kid.  Not exactly how we planned on things going.  Regardless she kept a positive attitude and while she wasn’t excited about taking pictures she posed nonstop for me so I could get those important First Day Of School pics.  So it seems only right that if I put her through the following torture that I make sure to share via every social media outlet I’m on.  =) 

Now for the details of her day…

She absolutely loved getting ready for her first day.  I was worried she would cry when we dropped her off but it was like as soon as she walked into the room she was a completely different child.  Suddenly she was a “big kid” and had no need for all the extra hugs & kisses I was trying to give her.  I eventually stopped once I realized she looked slightly embarrassed, asked if she was okay and then walked out when she replied with, “I’m fine mom, geez.”  =)  My sweet little girl didn’t need me as much as I thought she would and with that came a mix of emotions.  Part of me was sad that we were crossing another milestone off the list and that she no longer needed me to hold her hand.  The other part of me was proud of her and not to sound cocky but I was proud of myself as well.  It’s been a rough road these past 5 years but we’ve overcome so much together.  I have found strength I never knew existed.  I know I don’t always do things right and I’ve made  mistakes but I’m learning & growing along the way.  I become a better parent every single day.  Now I just need to make it through the next few hours until its time to pick her up.  Let the countdown begin.

*UPDATE*

We decided to go to dinner with the Huls family afterschool so we could hear all about her day.  She told us story after story about the friends she made, what she did, eating in the cafeteria etc.  It was great to see her so happy about school.  I have a feeling she is going to have a great year.  After dinner we went to the afterhours clinic to check on her eye since by this time it was much more swollen.   Turns out they think it’s either a bad reaction to a mosquito bite or a spider bite.  Great!  So its Benadryl and a warm compress to help the swelling go down.  We survived our first day of Kindergarten.  Whew!

The Night Before Kindergarten

While I know that we will make a million more memories along the way I can't help but look back at how quickly these past five years have gone by. Kindergarten? Seriously? I'm not ready for this. Sure hope she never grows too old for cuddles at bedtime & Eskimo kisses.

Daddyless Daughters Article - Finally It Makes Sense

I found this article on the Huffington Post and immediately I could relate.  Its regrading the topic Daddyless Daughters covered on Oprah's Lifeclass show back in 2013.  After just watching a few quick clips from that night I instantly felt like this was something I should watch fully.  Not just for myself but because I too am raising a "Daddyless Daughter".  As much as I did not want Makenna to continue the cycle,  her father has chosen to remain out of her life.  I've struggled with this decision he made and contemplated how to handle it but ultimately I think the best solution is to do everything in my power to help her not develop the traits most "daddyless daugther" do.  I'm so glad I found this article and can't wait to watch the show over the weekend to hear what advice Iyanla Vanzant gives.

Here is the link so you can check it out for yourself.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/13/daddyless-daughters-standards-mistake-define_n_3587142.html

Daddyless Daughters': How Growing Up Without A Father Affects A Woman's Standards And Choices 

Women who grow up without fathers often struggle with feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness. Iyanla Vanzant calls these women "daddyless daughters" and, in a special two-part show for "Oprah's Lifeclass," Iyanla helps examine what really happens when girls are raised without their fathers.

In the episode, Iyanla says that the role of father is to teach his daughter how to be in a nonsexual, intimate relationship with a man. In fact, it's the first relationship a daughter has with a man and therefore teaches her how a woman should be treated. However, if Dad leaves, Iyanla explains that the daughter lacks that healthy model and often seeks to fill that void in a variety of ways.

One way many daddyless daughters try to fill the void is through their willingness to settle when it comes to finding a partner. "If you want so much to be with the wrong one, imagine how good it will feel when the right one shows up," Iyanla says in the video above. "Be willing to be with you until he or she or it -- whatever it is -- shows up. If you don't want to be with you, why do you think someone else [would] want to be with you?"

Dr. Steve Perry, an important voice in the "Lifeclass" discussion on fatherless sons, agrees about the importance of daughters having a strong father figure. "What a father or a very important father figure does for the young ladies with whom I work is it sets the standards," he explains in another clip from the show.

Without a father or father figure, daddyless daughters set their own standards and, as Dr. Perry says, they often make the huge mistake of allowing others to define them.

"Since you allow others to define you, others will define you," Dr. Perry says. "The thing that they find most 'attractive' about you -- the thing that you get the most attention for -- is the thing that you so often put out there."

To explain what he means, Dr. Perry shares a few examples. "If someone tells you you're halfway cute, your clothes get smaller, things get tighter and you start to put yourself out there more," he says. "If they say your chest is big, you get attention for that... as opposed to, what do you think it is about you that you like and you want people to see."

Without your definition of your true self, you give up control and allow others to dictate or influence your attitude and behavior. "So much of what you accept is based upon what other people will define you as," Dr. Perry says.

The discussion on daddyless daughters continues on "Oprah's Lifeclass," airing Sunday, July 21, at 9 p.m. ET on OWN.

Daddy Issues

When I read this on Instagram today I couldn’t help but save it.  I feel like there should be a disclaimer when it comes to women like me and this might be it.  We’ve all heard the term “daddy issues” and while I usually reference it when joking with friends about my bad behavior it honestly has much more of an impact on my life than I’d like to admit.  When I sit back and look at my choices and the different men that have been in and out it of my life it seems only natural that I’m at a point in my life where I just want to give  up on dating all together.  I have the worst habit of sabotaging relationships before they even really begin because I’m afraid of what I think is the inevitable.  That they will leave.  I wish this wasn’t my mentality but when you’ve witnessed all that I have its hard to not be jaded to the idea that one day a man will actually stay. 

Let me sum up my history for you….my biological father has been in and out of my life since day one.  Never really sticking around for more than a few months.  He has lied to me, stolen from me, and let me down more times than I can count.  Almost to the point where I have felt like he enjoys getting my hopes up that he's going to be in my life and then disappearing for sometimes up to a year. 

Then enters step dad #1 when I was four.  He raised me until I was 12 and my mother and he divorced.  We were super close.   He made me feel like I was just as much his daughter as his own biological children.  So much so that when they initially divorced I chose to live with him over my own mother.   Looking back I realize how desperate I was to have a father because he was incredibly abusive.  That’s actually part of the reason my mom left him was bc she got tired of trying to hide my bruises.  So the fact that I still longed for him to be in my life lets you know how badly I just wanted a dad.   It didn’t last long though because I missed my mom too much but I never would have thought me moving back with her would end our relationship.  It did.  I never heard from him again until I was in my 20’s and it was always awkward because I could tell he was forcing it.  

Next up is my 2^nd step father Bruce.  He was married to my mom from when I was 12 to 18.  They divorced my senior year.  That was a nightmare.  We never really got along but because I wanted so badly to have some type of male figure in my life I tried to have a bond with him.  Even after we moved out I still reached out to him numerous times but never got a response.  As you can tell by now I don’t have the best of luck with step dads.  

Step dad 3 & 4 (Nick & Scott) would have possibly been successful but they both died.   On the same day.  From the same kind of cancer.  Seven years apart. WTF?  I know, you probably don’t believe me.  To make it even creepier, they both died in Hospice Austin, just a few doors down from each other.  We lost Nick in 2007 & Scott last year.  I stayed by their sides watching them try to fight this horrible disease, both times knowing the outcome before I think they did.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster.  Add the fact that step dad #1 decided last year to share with my sister that he has never viewed me as a daughter because I’m not related to him by blood and just told me all the sweet things he did because he felt sorry for me.  Yeah…that pretty much did it for me.  Five unsuccessful attempts at having a father.  That’s before even mentioning the relationship I had with my daughter’s father who was both verbally & physically abusive and has now chosen to not be in her life.  Not trying to have a pity party but damn.  When you factor all that in it only makes sense as to why I’m emotionally messed up.  So when I joke about my “daddy issues” know that it runs much deeper than most.  I may seem cold to some of the men I date and confusing  as hell but its only because I’m beyond scared to have this pattern continue for my daughter.

A Red Bird...

I’m the person in our family that has her camera out 24/7 to capture pics & videos but of course today it was inside.  Let me explain my morning….

Right before I’m about to head out of the house this morning I hear my mom screaming for me to come outside.  Here is how our dialogue went.

Mom: “Look at this bird.  I've never seen a bird with colors like this.  Have you?” (she points to a bird hanging upside down on our wind chime that has been turned into a nest)

Me: *wipes eyes and tries to take a closer look* “Um no I've never seen one like that before. Is it alive?”

Mom: “I think so.  It’s not moving though.  I keep getting close to it and it just sits there.”

Me: “Well when you get close is it looking at you or moving its head.”

Mom: “It doesn't have eyes so it can’t see me.”

YES she really just said that.  Apparently birds hang up side down all the time and don't move as you get close to them.  And apparently some do not have eyes.  Well at least in my mom’s mind that is. Lol

Me: “Um then its dead mom.  And that isn't red feathers that's blood.  Looks like something ate its eyes.”

She shrieks!  What are we going to do?

Me: “You need to get it down.”

Mom: “I’m not getting it down.  You do it.”

Me: “No way, you own the house and you found out.  Finders keepers.”

She goes in the house and gets a broom to begin to hit it off the wind chime.

Me: “Eeewwww no!  Don’t use a broom that you use to sweep our floors.  That’s disgusting.  You better throw it away when you’re done.  I don’t want you contaminating the house.”

Mom:  “It will be fine.”

Me:  “Hello…have you not heard of the bird flu?”  (Okay maybe I was being a bit dramatic but still…eeeewww)

Mom:  “Well what the hell am I supposed to do?” 

Me: “Get on the chair and reach up and remove the wind chime.  Then we can get it out or you can throw the whole thing away.”

As she begins to climb up on the chair and I see her shaking in fear the bitch in me couldn’t help but take advantage of this moment.  So I decided to sneak behind her and grab her waist while shouting really loud “Ahhhh”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! She screams and jumps off the chair.  Then begins to run around the porch and yard screaming and throwing her hands up in the air.  Funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  What was not so funny was her running back to me threatening to beat me with her broom.  After she finally calms down and tells me how much she hates me she goes back up to remove it.  I again remind her that the best way to remove it would just be to take the whole thing down.  Against my advice she decides to try to pull it off the wind chime. 

Me: “It’s not going to come off because its stuck.  Just take the whole thing down and throw it away.”

Mom:  “There might be eggs in there.  I have to save the nest.”

Me:  “Who cares.  Just throw it away.  Circle of life.”

Mom: “Tiffany!”

I sit back watching her attempt to remove the bird knowing the whole time what is going to happen next. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” 

Me: “Why are you screaming now?” 

Mom: “The wing is starting to rip off.  Ewww I can’t do this.  This is why I need a man.  Where is Scott?”

She jumps down and beings screaming and running all over the yard again.  Finally realizing I’m not going to help her no matter how much she whines she decides to take my original advice and pulls the entire wind chime down.  Once its down she was able to remove the bird and put the wind chime back up.  She saved the eggs & was able to dispose of the bird.  Couldn't be prouder of her for finally doing something without the need of a man.  Slowly but surely I’m going to help her see that women are just as strong as men.  =)