Kindergarten

Miss Makenna started off her first day of Kindergarten by waking up with her eye swollen shut.  Poor kid.  Not exactly how we planned on things going.  Regardless she kept a positive attitude and while she wasn’t excited about taking pictures she posed nonstop for me so I could get those important First Day Of School pics.  So it seems only right that if I put her through the following torture that I make sure to share via every social media outlet I’m on.  =) 

Now for the details of her day…

She absolutely loved getting ready for her first day.  I was worried she would cry when we dropped her off but it was like as soon as she walked into the room she was a completely different child.  Suddenly she was a “big kid” and had no need for all the extra hugs & kisses I was trying to give her.  I eventually stopped once I realized she looked slightly embarrassed, asked if she was okay and then walked out when she replied with, “I’m fine mom, geez.”  =)  My sweet little girl didn’t need me as much as I thought she would and with that came a mix of emotions.  Part of me was sad that we were crossing another milestone off the list and that she no longer needed me to hold her hand.  The other part of me was proud of her and not to sound cocky but I was proud of myself as well.  It’s been a rough road these past 5 years but we’ve overcome so much together.  I have found strength I never knew existed.  I know I don’t always do things right and I’ve made  mistakes but I’m learning & growing along the way.  I become a better parent every single day.  Now I just need to make it through the next few hours until its time to pick her up.  Let the countdown begin.

*UPDATE*

We decided to go to dinner with the Huls family afterschool so we could hear all about her day.  She told us story after story about the friends she made, what she did, eating in the cafeteria etc.  It was great to see her so happy about school.  I have a feeling she is going to have a great year.  After dinner we went to the afterhours clinic to check on her eye since by this time it was much more swollen.   Turns out they think it’s either a bad reaction to a mosquito bite or a spider bite.  Great!  So its Benadryl and a warm compress to help the swelling go down.  We survived our first day of Kindergarten.  Whew!

The Night Before Kindergarten

While I know that we will make a million more memories along the way I can't help but look back at how quickly these past five years have gone by. Kindergarten? Seriously? I'm not ready for this. Sure hope she never grows too old for cuddles at bedtime & Eskimo kisses.

Daddyless Daughters Article - Finally It Makes Sense

I found this article on the Huffington Post and immediately I could relate.  Its regrading the topic Daddyless Daughters covered on Oprah's Lifeclass show back in 2013.  After just watching a few quick clips from that night I instantly felt like this was something I should watch fully.  Not just for myself but because I too am raising a "Daddyless Daughter".  As much as I did not want Makenna to continue the cycle,  her father has chosen to remain out of her life.  I've struggled with this decision he made and contemplated how to handle it but ultimately I think the best solution is to do everything in my power to help her not develop the traits most "daddyless daugther" do.  I'm so glad I found this article and can't wait to watch the show over the weekend to hear what advice Iyanla Vanzant gives.

Here is the link so you can check it out for yourself.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/13/daddyless-daughters-standards-mistake-define_n_3587142.html

Daddyless Daughters': How Growing Up Without A Father Affects A Woman's Standards And Choices 

Women who grow up without fathers often struggle with feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness. Iyanla Vanzant calls these women "daddyless daughters" and, in a special two-part show for "Oprah's Lifeclass," Iyanla helps examine what really happens when girls are raised without their fathers.

In the episode, Iyanla says that the role of father is to teach his daughter how to be in a nonsexual, intimate relationship with a man. In fact, it's the first relationship a daughter has with a man and therefore teaches her how a woman should be treated. However, if Dad leaves, Iyanla explains that the daughter lacks that healthy model and often seeks to fill that void in a variety of ways.

One way many daddyless daughters try to fill the void is through their willingness to settle when it comes to finding a partner. "If you want so much to be with the wrong one, imagine how good it will feel when the right one shows up," Iyanla says in the video above. "Be willing to be with you until he or she or it -- whatever it is -- shows up. If you don't want to be with you, why do you think someone else [would] want to be with you?"

Dr. Steve Perry, an important voice in the "Lifeclass" discussion on fatherless sons, agrees about the importance of daughters having a strong father figure. "What a father or a very important father figure does for the young ladies with whom I work is it sets the standards," he explains in another clip from the show.

Without a father or father figure, daddyless daughters set their own standards and, as Dr. Perry says, they often make the huge mistake of allowing others to define them.

"Since you allow others to define you, others will define you," Dr. Perry says. "The thing that they find most 'attractive' about you -- the thing that you get the most attention for -- is the thing that you so often put out there."

To explain what he means, Dr. Perry shares a few examples. "If someone tells you you're halfway cute, your clothes get smaller, things get tighter and you start to put yourself out there more," he says. "If they say your chest is big, you get attention for that... as opposed to, what do you think it is about you that you like and you want people to see."

Without your definition of your true self, you give up control and allow others to dictate or influence your attitude and behavior. "So much of what you accept is based upon what other people will define you as," Dr. Perry says.

The discussion on daddyless daughters continues on "Oprah's Lifeclass," airing Sunday, July 21, at 9 p.m. ET on OWN.

Daddy Issues

When I read this on Instagram today I couldn’t help but save it.  I feel like there should be a disclaimer when it comes to women like me and this might be it.  We’ve all heard the term “daddy issues” and while I usually reference it when joking with friends about my bad behavior it honestly has much more of an impact on my life than I’d like to admit.  When I sit back and look at my choices and the different men that have been in and out it of my life it seems only natural that I’m at a point in my life where I just want to give  up on dating all together.  I have the worst habit of sabotaging relationships before they even really begin because I’m afraid of what I think is the inevitable.  That they will leave.  I wish this wasn’t my mentality but when you’ve witnessed all that I have its hard to not be jaded to the idea that one day a man will actually stay. 

Let me sum up my history for you….my biological father has been in and out of my life since day one.  Never really sticking around for more than a few months.  He has lied to me, stolen from me, and let me down more times than I can count.  Almost to the point where I have felt like he enjoys getting my hopes up that he's going to be in my life and then disappearing for sometimes up to a year. 

Then enters step dad #1 when I was four.  He raised me until I was 12 and my mother and he divorced.  We were super close.   He made me feel like I was just as much his daughter as his own biological children.  So much so that when they initially divorced I chose to live with him over my own mother.   Looking back I realize how desperate I was to have a father because he was incredibly abusive.  That’s actually part of the reason my mom left him was bc she got tired of trying to hide my bruises.  So the fact that I still longed for him to be in my life lets you know how badly I just wanted a dad.   It didn’t last long though because I missed my mom too much but I never would have thought me moving back with her would end our relationship.  It did.  I never heard from him again until I was in my 20’s and it was always awkward because I could tell he was forcing it.  

Next up is my 2^nd step father Bruce.  He was married to my mom from when I was 12 to 18.  They divorced my senior year.  That was a nightmare.  We never really got along but because I wanted so badly to have some type of male figure in my life I tried to have a bond with him.  Even after we moved out I still reached out to him numerous times but never got a response.  As you can tell by now I don’t have the best of luck with step dads.  

Step dad 3 & 4 (Nick & Scott) would have possibly been successful but they both died.   On the same day.  From the same kind of cancer.  Seven years apart. WTF?  I know, you probably don’t believe me.  To make it even creepier, they both died in Hospice Austin, just a few doors down from each other.  We lost Nick in 2007 & Scott last year.  I stayed by their sides watching them try to fight this horrible disease, both times knowing the outcome before I think they did.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster.  Add the fact that step dad #1 decided last year to share with my sister that he has never viewed me as a daughter because I’m not related to him by blood and just told me all the sweet things he did because he felt sorry for me.  Yeah…that pretty much did it for me.  Five unsuccessful attempts at having a father.  That’s before even mentioning the relationship I had with my daughter’s father who was both verbally & physically abusive and has now chosen to not be in her life.  Not trying to have a pity party but damn.  When you factor all that in it only makes sense as to why I’m emotionally messed up.  So when I joke about my “daddy issues” know that it runs much deeper than most.  I may seem cold to some of the men I date and confusing  as hell but its only because I’m beyond scared to have this pattern continue for my daughter.

A Red Bird...

I’m the person in our family that has her camera out 24/7 to capture pics & videos but of course today it was inside.  Let me explain my morning….

Right before I’m about to head out of the house this morning I hear my mom screaming for me to come outside.  Here is how our dialogue went.

Mom: “Look at this bird.  I've never seen a bird with colors like this.  Have you?” (she points to a bird hanging upside down on our wind chime that has been turned into a nest)

Me: *wipes eyes and tries to take a closer look* “Um no I've never seen one like that before. Is it alive?”

Mom: “I think so.  It’s not moving though.  I keep getting close to it and it just sits there.”

Me: “Well when you get close is it looking at you or moving its head.”

Mom: “It doesn't have eyes so it can’t see me.”

YES she really just said that.  Apparently birds hang up side down all the time and don't move as you get close to them.  And apparently some do not have eyes.  Well at least in my mom’s mind that is. Lol

Me: “Um then its dead mom.  And that isn't red feathers that's blood.  Looks like something ate its eyes.”

She shrieks!  What are we going to do?

Me: “You need to get it down.”

Mom: “I’m not getting it down.  You do it.”

Me: “No way, you own the house and you found out.  Finders keepers.”

She goes in the house and gets a broom to begin to hit it off the wind chime.

Me: “Eeewwww no!  Don’t use a broom that you use to sweep our floors.  That’s disgusting.  You better throw it away when you’re done.  I don’t want you contaminating the house.”

Mom:  “It will be fine.”

Me:  “Hello…have you not heard of the bird flu?”  (Okay maybe I was being a bit dramatic but still…eeeewww)

Mom:  “Well what the hell am I supposed to do?” 

Me: “Get on the chair and reach up and remove the wind chime.  Then we can get it out or you can throw the whole thing away.”

As she begins to climb up on the chair and I see her shaking in fear the bitch in me couldn’t help but take advantage of this moment.  So I decided to sneak behind her and grab her waist while shouting really loud “Ahhhh”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! She screams and jumps off the chair.  Then begins to run around the porch and yard screaming and throwing her hands up in the air.  Funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  What was not so funny was her running back to me threatening to beat me with her broom.  After she finally calms down and tells me how much she hates me she goes back up to remove it.  I again remind her that the best way to remove it would just be to take the whole thing down.  Against my advice she decides to try to pull it off the wind chime. 

Me: “It’s not going to come off because its stuck.  Just take the whole thing down and throw it away.”

Mom:  “There might be eggs in there.  I have to save the nest.”

Me:  “Who cares.  Just throw it away.  Circle of life.”

Mom: “Tiffany!”

I sit back watching her attempt to remove the bird knowing the whole time what is going to happen next. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” 

Me: “Why are you screaming now?” 

Mom: “The wing is starting to rip off.  Ewww I can’t do this.  This is why I need a man.  Where is Scott?”

She jumps down and beings screaming and running all over the yard again.  Finally realizing I’m not going to help her no matter how much she whines she decides to take my original advice and pulls the entire wind chime down.  Once its down she was able to remove the bird and put the wind chime back up.  She saved the eggs & was able to dispose of the bird.  Couldn't be prouder of her for finally doing something without the need of a man.  Slowly but surely I’m going to help her see that women are just as strong as men.  =)  

CB

Laughing right now as I listen to my playlist titled CB.  I start at What Kind of Man by Florence + the Machine, then switched to All of Me by John Legend.  Now I hear I’m Not the Only One by Sam Smith.  Hmm..  as I’m listening I can’t help but notice the resemblance to our “relationship”.  I put that in quotes because I’m not sure exactly what you can call what we have done for the last year.  We go from happy to mad, sad to glad, then to confused to finally being honest about our feelings and then just when everything seems to be aligning right some curve ball is thrown our way and one of us ends up angry with the other person again.  It’s been a total roller coaster.  He’s done things to hurt me and I've definitely hurt him as well.  Still we always found our way back to one another because while it hurt to deal with each other I think it hurt more not to.  I kept trying though.  Just waiting for the day we would be on the same page at the same time.   Unfortunately that day hasn't come.  It’s been a constant game of cat & mouse. Both of us taking turns doing the chasing.  Well the game is finally over.   I could go more in depth about our issues but that’s not the point of this post.   The point is that while it may not have always been roses I gained so much from knowing him.  I’m happy that I can walk away and see the positive in it all.   When we first met I thought there is no way a guy like him would ever like a woman like me.  He definitely is easy on the eyes.  I had zero confidence and immediately started trying to sabotage the entire situation.  I told him the first night we hung out that I couldn't date him and only wanted to see him every now and then (once every other month to be exact).  Did I mean this?  Absolutely not but I was so worried that he wasn't into me that I figured I’d set the boundaries before he did.   Stupid, I know.  I was just so scared of getting hurt.  He still continued to pursue me and with that came texts every morning calling me beautiful.  At first I thought it was cheesy & wondered how many other women he had said that to but after awhile I became accustomed to it.  With time I started to actually believe him.  Sure I may struggle with body issues and I’m not nearly as close to my goal weight as I’d like to be but overall I do think I’m beautiful.  Inside and out.  It took hearing it over and over again to convince myself but I finally stopped responding with “Whatever.” and started saying “Thank you”.  I've always had a hard time accepting a compliment but with him it became easy.  He told me all the time that I was a really good woman and would point out all my qualities that he liked and boy did it help boost my self esteem.  Being a single mom I feel like I’m constantly under a microscope so to hear someone telling me I’m doing a good job felt amazing.  When I would vent about things I was going through with Makenna’s father he would quickly offer to “kick his ass” and while I’d laugh it off part of me enjoyed his concern.  He wasn't serious of course but it felt kind of good to feel that protection of a man.  I’m very independent and I know I’m strong enough to handle just about anything but even someone like myself likes the safety of having a strong man by her side.  He gave me much more than I think he’ll ever realize.  It may have been a rough ride but overall I’m walking away from this happy to have experienced it.  I’m going to miss him.   I loved that man & I’m not afraid to admit it.  In the back of my head I will always wonder what might have been had we ever been able to let our guard down with one another and truly enjoy what was going on.  I know its for the best though.   Time to take what I learned and move on to the next chapter. 

Cozumel

Cozumel – Under construction.  I will be updating soon with pics & info on all that we did.